i just ate burger, fries & onion rings from carl's...
i hate myself.. haha
okay starting tomorrow.. gonna go back to eating well.
gonna go to the gym also tomorrow.. so that'll be good :)

halloween is comin up VERY VERY soonnnn...
and sooooooo i must get ready~~ i already have a costume picked out! :)
of course it'll stay a secret so i don't have any other girl wearing the same outfit as me~~

i want to start riding. but my friggin' bf won't let me saying that he doesn't trust my coordination.
too bad he doesn't know that once i start making money... i'm gonna take msf courses & start saving up for a bike~~
i'm only gonna get a 250.. for several reasons

• i'm too short.. (i'm only 5'4) so my feet won't touch the ground w/ a 600..
• i know i'll be too pussy shit to go really fast
• it's a safe bike to start with :)

i want my bike to look like... this!

it is so amazing to see how celebrities seem to get away with so many things. i'm not talking about having multiple sex partners, using drugs, or drinking at an early age. that's something a lot of people in the world get away with, whether they're famous or not.
but, i mean serious crimes.
take michael jackson (may he rest in peace). he was a great entertainer, there's no doubt about that, but he was a child molester.. it seems like since he was such a legend, people tend to forgive him of what he did. molesting little boys is an unforgivable act regardless of how great a person may be.
brandy got away with killing a mom and child because she was stupid enough to drive drunk. she left a husband and father to live alone. she took everything away from this man and she didn't even serve a jail sentence. i mean.. wtf is that???
and now roman polanski.. yes.. he's a great director. but now filmmakers are demanding that polanski be set free of his 1977 rape charges. back in 1977, he pleaded guilty to drugging and rapping a fuckin' 13-year-old girl. and he fled to france before he could receive a sentencing. and filmmakers are mad that police used a certain tactic to arrest him.

celebrities need to do time for their crime, regardless of how famous or talented they are.
this society can be so fucked up sometimes~~

You know how people always seem to say, "Oh you've changed since you have a bf now?"
The thing is... how does a girl not change in someway once they're in a relationship?
With me, i've heard that i'm not the "sexy, independent, crazy girl" anymore.. the flirty one who does crazy things... really?
What kind of girlfriend would i be if i do the same things right in front of my bf's face? what girl still goes flirting with random guys and just doing the off-the-wall things she used to do when she was single?
i sure as hell don't... a girl becomes a bit more calm when she's in a relationship..
and besides.. i'm hearing this from friends that i hang out with like once a year.. of course my personality is gonna be different b/c.. well #1.. they don't like my bf.. period. so i can never bring him out to any get-togethers we have.. #2.. since i know how they feel.. and they know how i feel.. there's a sense of awkwardness to it... of course i'm gonna be all awkward & a bit more reserved.. not the person that i was before... how do they expect me to be all normal when even they act all different around me?
whatevers.. seriously.. people can hate the person i'm with, but that just means they hate me b/c i'm with my bf.. i'm gonna be with him.. so if you hate him, you're hating me too.

i'm done. i'm starting my life fresh.. and he's gonna be in it. so accept it or not. it doesn't matter to me anymore.

I'm in san juan capistrano right now. Why in the hell am I in the middle of fuckin nowhere? I'm waiting for my bf to get off of work.. Still got another 3 hours to go.. I'm so bored.. But it's such a waste of gas for me to drive all the way back and then have to drive back to sjc to pick him up.

Haha earlier there was this guy who was trying to hit on me. He told me he needed to ask me a question. Me being naïve... I thought he needed directions or something. Haha

Well.. He asked me for my name and if I was from around here. I straight up told him that I was here because my bf works here. His reply: "oh shit.. *laughs* umm... So does that mean I can't have your number?"

Haha really? I laughed and was like yeah.. No not gonna happen. I mean he was good looking but doesn't mean I'm gonna just give my number to him like that.

i love tool academy..
sometimes..mm.. most times.. i feel like i can relate to what the girls go through
i love this week's episode b/c the challenge consists of the gfs going on dates with other guys and their bfs have to watch...
hey.. if these guys are gonna dish it.. they're gonna have to take it..
fuckin' guys think that they can cheat and not expect their gfs to do the same?
pshh...

i think love is mainly involved with taking a risk.
i don't see love as a safe haven for anyone.
you risk what you have for the one you love because you never know what the outcome will actually be.
i recently learned that you can't control love and for sure.. you can't control the one you love.
you just have to trust that things will be okay and that no one will stray from the path.. or take any detours.. or pit stops.
if you try and control the relationship you're in.. you might as well not be in a relationship.
there's just simply no point.
there have been a lot of things in the past that made me doubt his true intentions.
but if he says that he's changed and that this time it's different... then all i can do is believe him. and if i don't... then all i can do is leave him.
to me.. life's all about taking chances.. if i don't take a chance, then life becomes so monotonous.. and i am NOT one to live a monotonous life! :)

so here's to trusting, believing, and taking risks.
just please don't disappoint me.

worked out this morning. felt pretty damn good..
except for the weird guy next to me who kept staring at me while he was doing his exercises on the floor and i was next to him stretching.
he would literally stare at me while doing his pelvic thrusts exercise.
i hope he knows he shouldn't have his head turned while doing those exercises.. haha

on another note..
i decided to delete everything from my mind.
like my own amnesia type deal.
i want to go back to who i was.. strong, not giving a care in the world.
in order for me to go back to that... i have to erase moments from my life.. and i'm fine with that because the memories i have to erase are horrible ones....

i hope i'm doing the right thing.
please tell me that i'm doing the right thing.

sotm: 8eight - I Don't Have a Heart

If I say that I'm hurt, I'm scared that I'll really be hurt
If I say that I'm sad, I'm scared that I will shed my tears
So I just laugh...
But people ask me why I'm crying...

I don't have a heart..
So this way I can't feel pain

**

one thing I learned from my mom is to keep a smile on my face no matter how angry or sad I am.. because that way, something good will soon come my way.
I don't know how my mom did it for most of her life...
i wear my heart on my sleeve like no other.
It's something i'm definitely gonna adopt finally into my life.
well.. it's actually the only way i can go through this.
i'll just smile and force myself into thinking that everything's fine.
and eventually...? everything will work out on its own...
because God knows that i've done everything i could..
now it's just up to Fate to do his work.

i am so in love with megan fox.
i swear, i think she's the hottest woman alive. and it's not just her appearance, but i love her personality also. she seems so down to earth and awkward even.
if i ever saw her on the streets, i think i would straight up go to her and just say that i think she's the sexiest woman ever. haha
i've even told my bf that i wouldn't care if he cheated on me if it was her. hell, i'd be jealous! and the only way a 3-way would ever occur is if he could pull off persuading megan fox to join us... :)

i'm so obsessed with reality tv.. especially the dating shows.
i know it's all stupid and fake and everyone on there is just trying to become famous and not really in it for love, but that's the whole point! it's fun just watching how stupid people can get in order to become famous.
my ultimate guilty pleasure is tool academy. haha.
when i watch these shows, i always make my baby watch with me. and when some tool does something really stupid, i always ask him what his opinion on it is.
of course, my bf gives me some perfect answer and so i can't really say anything. haha.
he then asks me if i would ever put him on the show.
i just give him a look and shrug my shoulders and say that i wouldn't only because i don't want to be humiliated like that on tv.
seriously, finding out how much shit their bfs talk about them behind their backs.. i would never want that televised in front of the whole world to see (or wherever it is tool academy is aired).
and i especially would not want to find out if my bf cheated on me when everyone is watching, because if i found that out.. i would beat the shit out of my bf and then go fuck someone myself.
now... i can't really do all that on national television, right?

laying in bed right now..
my boyfriend's reading me "fmylife" stories to me.. haha it's like our pillow talk one night a week :)

it's amazing how he knows right when i'm feeling a bit off. well, i'm not that great at hiding my emotions because i pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve, but still. he knows exactly when i'm feeling sad, even though iiiiiiiii don't even know why i'm feeling down.
i'm actually worried about something but i hope everything turns out okay.

ok, gonna go have a smoke and then hopefully fall asleep.

just got back from the pool...
got a couple of hours in.. and some tanning~~
i love the sun. seriously.. i can't imagine ever living anywhere that's not sunny all year round (for the most part) and with a beach a few miles away~~
i'm such a socal girl.. without all the drama, the fake tits, and the blonde hair.. haha

life’s a bitch. no one said it was easy. people may think that once you have a ton of money rolling in, your life will be so easy.. that’s not true. money really doesn’t fix everything. it may buy you nice things and bring you temporary satisfaction, but it doesn’t make you happy. well.. okay i’m wrong. if you’re the type of person who becomes truly happy because of a material object, then yes, money can solve everything for you.

i like nice things. what girl doesn’t? but, it doesn’t make me happy. there are things in my life that are bringing me down, and there’s really no solution to it. well, okay there is a solution, but it won’t make me happy. it’ll just make the others around me happy.

am i so wrong in trying to live a life that i want to live? not by anyone else’s standards but my own?